Girlhood Crush
by Sai du Chickens
Summary: Keeping the lid on the truth about her sister is hard enough. But Petunia Dursley has another secret that she'll never tell a soul...


It had always been Petunia's little secret. There was no way on earth she would have ever told Lily. Or anyone else, for that matter.   
  
The whole thing had started just after Lily left school. Petunia had been glad enough of it. Now, hopefully, her little brat of a sister would move away and she'd never have to hear from her again.   
  
But Lily had announced at dinner that night, the night she came home from her seventh year of school, that her boyfriend was coming over along with one of his friends. Their parents were more than happy to meet James, since by that point they'd heard quite a bit about him. It only made Petunia angry. All she could do was hope that James was even uglier than her own boyfriend, big Vernon Dursley from up the street, who was the only boy around who even gave her a second glance. He came from a proper family, and she had worked hard at concealing the truth about her sister from him. He was, after all, likely to be her sole prospect for marriage and a normal life.  
  
But, a few days later, James and his friend arrived. Petunia's first shock was that James wasn't all at what she'd been picturing; he wasn't a bad-looking boy at all, and he seemed very fond of Lily. But her second shock came when she first laid eyes on his friend.   
  
Petunia had never held with such nonsense as love at first sight. That is, until she saw Sirius Black. She had never before seen anyone who carried himself quite that way, with that air of well-earned arrogance. Certainly he was a far cry from her conservative and bullying Vernon. Sirius was undeniably a wild card, nothing like the tame and safe boys she knew. She also knew instantly that he was unattainable.  
  
Petunia had a date on with Vernon that evening. Even Vernon, far from the most perceptive of people, noticed how vague and faraway she was that night. When he asked her what was wrong, she muttered something about her sister's dreadful boyfriend coming to visit. Vernon pressed the issue, and without even thinking about it, the whole story came out--how Lily was a witch, how she'd been off at that school for the past seven years, every bit of it except for the mention of Sirius. Predictably, Vernon was angry, but she assured him quickly that she planned to forget her sister even existed as soon as possible. Somewhere in her mind, reason prevailed over the fog of Sirius, and she knew she had to hold on to Vernon. They ended up sitting on his front porch late into the night, him all but yelling and her in tears. She finally calmed him down and stumbled home, worried that this would seal her fate as an old maid for good.  
  
When she got home, she was more than surprised to find Sirius on the step, smoking a cigarette (an act which she normally would have despised, but she found herself forgiving). He glanced at her tear-streaked face and spoke.  
  
"Date not go so well?"  
  
Petunia found herself nearly tongue-tied for the first time in her life. "Eh...well...Vernon and I just had a bit of a row, nothing important. Just a little spat, really nothing to be concerned about."  
  
Sirius nodded. "It happens, sometimes."  
  
"I've got to go to bed," Petunia blurted and hurried for the door. She cursed herself all the way up the stairs. What a fool she'd been! The problem was, she couldn't decide if she'd been more of a fool for telling Vernon the truth...or for walking away from Sirius.   
  
The rest of the week was agony. Not only did she have to deal with three people showing off magic tricks--and Sirius and James were far worse for showing off than Lily ever was--she couldn't even walk into the same room Sirius was in without turning red and scurrying off. She put off seeing Vernon with excuses of houseguests, frightened to death that he might realize there was something more than that going on, if only in her own mind. The only thing worse, in fact, was the day James and Sirius left. She couldn't bear to see them off. Instead, she stood at her window and watched as her parents loaded their luggage into the car and drove off for the train station. She imagined that Sirius caught her eye from the walk, but she didn't truly deceive herself.  
  
Years passed. Petunia married Vernon, as was expected by both families, and Lily married James a year later. Petunia was invited to the wedding, but knew better. Vernon wouldn't stand for it anyways, she rationalized to herself. It has nothing to do with seeing Sirius again.  
  
Not long after, Dudley was born, and she had more important things to think about. That is, until Harry arrived. She worked her hardest to forget about what he was, aided by Vernon. And it worked, for ten years. Then suddenly that awful school came into the picture again. Even though she knew that there could no longer be any connection to Sirius, she still loathed the feelings it brought up in her.  
  
She nearly dropped a dish the day she heard his name on the news. A murderer! Well, she told herself, it's just as well anyways. Look how he turned out. But when Harry came home that year and announced that his godfather was an escaped convict, there was no question in her mind who it had to be. The connection disturbed her almost as much as the strength of her feelings for a girlhood crush. Maybe if there'd ever been anyone else but Vernon, maybe if she'd ever had the intensity of feeling for him that she'd had for Sirius...but better not to dwell on these things. She pushed her memories away resolutely.  
  
And then, two years later, Harry came home different. He had some sadness in his face that had never been there before. She wanted to talk to him, for the first time in her life. The night he and Dudley had been attacked by the dementors, she had realized that her life was inextricably entangled in the wizard world; it always had been, and by some design, it always would be. Finally, she brought herself to knock timidly on his door.  
  
"What d'ya want?" she heard him call from inside.  
  
"Harry...I wanted to talk to you." She knew how pitiful it sounded, especially after years of neglect. But to her surprise, he cautiously opened the door.  
  
"What is it?" he asked, suspicious. "If Dudley said I broke the--"  
  
"No," she said. "You just...haven't been yourself lately."  
  
"Like you know who I am, anyways."  
  
"It just...what happened, Harry? I can tell it was something bad."  
  
His defiant front wavered a bit. "Why do you care?"  
  
"You just seem so sad. I can't..." And then the thought struck her. "Did something happen to your godfather?" The words were out before she could stop them.  
  
Harry blew up. "HOW DARE YOU!" he shouted. "YOU'VE BEEN READING MY MAIL, HAVEN'T YOU?"  
  
"Harry, be reasonable, I wouldn't touch those filthy birds--"  
  
"I DON'T CARE HOW YOU KNOW!" he screamed. "I DON'T CARE HOW YOU KNOW SIRIUS DIED! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" He slammed the door in her face.  
  
She realized later that she should have been more concerned about breaking the tenuous bond she might have attempted to build with Harry. All she knew then was that any daydream she might have had of escaping this life--and, she realized, there had been many over the years, all with the same hero--was gone. 


End file.
